Date:	2011-09-17 11:47
Subject:	S.E.X.
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Stutphin Boulevard by Blood Orange

I was just thinking to myself in the shower-- the majority of the men I have slept with have all been at least 10 years my senior. I crave sex myself like any normal human being, but I really don't have a strong preference for older men. My sexual exploits with the older generation is mostly a direct result of being a prostitute (or whore, or sugar baby, or whatever you deem politically correct). 

Not necessarily a sad thought, just a fact. 

My libido has been out of control lately, lemme tell you! All of a sudden every person on the street seems like a prospect. Not that I would actually act on it ;) The young men I talk to suddenly have nice legs, and I wonder what it would feel like to have mine wrapped around them. The girls' eye sight appear to linger on my breasts for a moment too long... (Sigh) Even pumping gas into my car resembles sex and leaves me with funny images playing in my head-- its like the female version of being in heat.

Anyhoo- I've got to tackle an impossible question for Poli-Sci (how the fuck DOES filibustering effect legislation) finish an essay and get most of my english done. I. Heart. School.

Date:	2011-09-16 21:46
Subject:	Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde
Security:	Public
Mood:	melancholy
Music:	Damn by Dom

I post few and far between but tonight has been one of those nights-- the need to type and put my thoughts down is strong. 

I've got a bubble of rage coming out and I can only breath deep and hope.

So tired...

Fihgting off sleep right now because I'm... emjoying feeling this way. A couple natural sleepaids, some vodka, beer, it alll goes down well.

As he lay there, listening to them discuss his condition, the conversation and words began to slide into one another just as the infirmary curtains began to blur in front of his eyes. His lids became heavy, and keeping them open became a much harder task than it should have rightly been. Drifting off slowly, fighting the effects of whatever potions they had fed him, he focused more intently on the furtive conversation happening outside his curtains. Low voices, just above whispers. Words and phrases like “fragile” “imperative to his mental well-being” and “nervous breakdown stood out for a few fleeting seconds. His thoughts shifted to his now deceased friend and curiously wondered what it had felt like, hanging his self in the closet with his green and white school tie. Must have been comforting, in a way, to know that it was finally all over, that there would be no more hurt ever. Painful maybe, but a small price to pay considering it was a quick way out.  The outside conversation lulled. There was a hand at the curtain, pulling it back lightly to peek in and check on him. With his eyes closed and his breathing steady he appeared to all the world to be sound asleep, and was in fact very close to losing consciousness if only for the small sliver of defiance that told him to fight it. The medicine they had given him was strong, fast acting. He tried thinking about his father, dead not even three months, how no one showed up to his funeral except two of his old drinking buddies, himself and his mum. His mother’s health had taken a turn for the worst almost immediately after his father’s death and he couldn’t help but hate this woman that chose to let herself die of heartbreak over a man that had successfully broken her spirit with his words and his fists. He would never forget those fists, those hands, how they could hurt and break you down so well. More whispering, when would they stop talking about him?

Apparently the suicide of a close friend in Slytherin was something to talk about. Severus closed his eyes and sleep overcame.

I'm so tired, burnt out. I've been working up to 40 hours a week and going to school full time online and it's not easy.

I've been dealing with more social anxiety lately than I'm used to and I don't know why. Maybe it's a side effect of the coffee, or the lack of sleep, maybe it's the stress of having all this responsibility on my plate at once. I'm not sure which but those inner demons are starting to rear their ugly heads and I'm trying to deal with it as discreetly as possible. I find myself desperately wanting acceptance or some confirmation that I belong somewhere. The word that keeps repeating itself in my head over and over is normal, I just want to be NORMAL.

What makes me so different from my peers? How am I so self aware of my actions, or the way I come off to other people? Why do I jump to conclusions about other people or what they think of me, why does it matter sooo incredibly much? Why am I getting flashbacks of high school, middle school, working at the Carlton? I understand I had a hard time fitting in with other people but it just doesn't make sense that these things are popping up in my head all of a sudden, just thinking about the feelings the tears and above all the loneliness. On top of that, the hate, this self hatred I've always harbored since I was so young. Where does this come from and why am I the only one that lives this way?

Could it be that I am now 21 and had always hoped that by this time in my life this "illness" would have left me alone by now? That I would be able to lead a relatively "normal" way of living...?

All I can think about now is comparing myself directly to the people around me, putting them viciously down in my own thoughts in order to feel better about myself. What the hell is wrong with me? This is not healthy behavior or a healthy way of thinking and I feel that there is just no way out for me...  I just can't be the weird girl forever. I can't be the one that is purposely excluded from group all the time ( not that that has happened anytime recently) but I'm just so tired of living this way.

Having practically no one show up to my 21st birthday was like a nail in the coffin for me. It was so devastating... Thinking about it now still strikes a chord in me. It was just kind of like, wow, is this it? Is this really it? This is what I have to show for my life so far? It hurt so much and I try so hard to not think about it, or show how hurt I was by how many people didn't show up or even cared to call me on my fucking birthday. I do not have a group of friends to call my own, I do not have a close circle of friends ( to an extent I do but still...) it's like the pain I felt in high school has continued to follow me everywhere I go. Rejection, it's my worst fear. I hate myself. I think I'm a freak, I think I'm a sad person, and I think we only have friends because we are all truly just lonely people inside.

One of the harder parts is when I wonder if I'm causing this pain myself? Is it all in my head? Am I going crazy? Would I have more friends or be closer to the ones I have if I just reached out more to them? Is this pain real or am I the one causing it...?

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to help myself, I don't know how to make myself happy. Why can't I ever be remotely satisfied with where I am in my life. And why the fuck do I always assume I'm wrong and the other person is right? It's like, hello, my name is Chloe, let me lay down on the floor and be your doormat for the day.

I'm lost, I'm alone, and I hate this world as much as I love it. I think more and more about suicide, not about actually doing it but just fantasizing about what would happen, what it would do to the people around me. I could never do that to the people around me tho, that would be horrible, cruel. I could never ever do that to Chelsea. I love her too much. Suicide is not a possibility for me, not even a consideration--- I just know it's never a good sign for me when the thought starts popping up in my head at different times of the day. Sometimes I wish I would just pass out at work, break my arm, maybe then the pain would stop and I could focus on something else... Maybe I people would stop and care about me.

I think right now the best thing for me would be to get some sleep, get up early and then run errands. Maybe my brain just needs a break from the books and the coffee and the alarm clocks... It gets to be a lot to handle in the long run.

Good night Journal

Chloe

I just always love negotiating how much the price of my gentle-ladyness is worth to a gentleman.

"375 for 3 nights?"

"Oh I'm so sorry sire but, I'm a 'Sugar Babe.' Not a whore. Because there is such a HUGE difference. And I don't even think a cheap whore would accept that price."

The Wine Festival is coming up and this man, understandably, would like 'company.' I will actually be of age to drink this year, so I'm excited to attend an event like this, especially surrounded with wine. I can't wait to soak up all the wine knowledge. ;)It's just that B doesn't seem to understand the innerworkings of the whole reason for doing it in the first place. It all boils down to money, no matter how you look at it. Money and sex, is the essence of what I do and this month marks the 1 year that I've been involved in it.

Meeting with someone tonight and it should be interesting.. He's picking me up at like 1 am because he has to attend his Uncles birthday party tonight, then leave and drive down for 2 hours to come get me and then we backtrack to the city. Hotel, wine, chocolate strawberries, and a shopping spree for lingerie next day. Sounds like my kind of date...

Listening to MGMT, and they're okayyyy. I like this song Electric Feel and that's about it. I still don't see what all the hype is about, I prefer other bands so far. Speaking of which, Marina and the Diamonds are amazing! Thankful to whoever suggested them on the Nylonmag message board. ;)

surrounded by filth and the reek of the forgotten people
surrounded by molding tinsel hanging from rotted wood panes
windows cracked
time repeats itself here
somewhere someones dying without a home, naked, and starving
here I sit rich with food and thought, dying inside.

i count myself small, i count myself as my one true ally in this battle
i count myself as the one against the army of dilapidated homes, empty cupboards and torn hearts

HOSTAS
They grow well in the winter, and pretty much take car of themselves.. Different varieties







Witch hazel, stays fine during winter






Helleborus
Has a little bit of color.






Japanese Pieris (Daisen)
More color than helleborus.

So my high school hero, Jimmy pulled thru for me. He's living in a decent house a couple towns over paid for by his parents and he's offering me a room for like 300. I'm beyond stoked to finally have an opportunity to get out of my home and go into a stable situation with my dream roommate in my dream house. Calling it my dream house is a bit of a stretch but honestly, it's got a big living room, a dining room, big backyard, kitchen and 1 of three rooms that has my name on it. Score.

It's my one and only chance that I have to get the fuck out of atrash-town. It's got everything I needed, and wanted and it's all right here laid out in front of me. It's unthinkable to pass this up.

And it all came to me without having to run out of dodge and head for santa cruz. It was such a bad idea, but such a good one. I ended up packing all my stuff and sleeping on peoples couched for two weeks. It wasn't so bad.. I finally got away and was able to put across the message to the rentals that there is a certain point, a certain POINT that I can take their bullshit. And once they cross my line, I'm out. I'm not tied down by them. The can go fuck themselves for all I care.. I love em but still...

Anways so the new house is gonna be already for me to move into once I can secure a job and know that I will be able to cough up at least 300-325 every month on the regular. I'm just getting so impatient, waiting to move in here. It's like being so close to heaven but your feet are still grounded in hell. And you have to wait til some employer gives you the go ahead.... grrr. So close but so faaaaar. I will have to continue to persevere like I have been for the past 2 months and hope and pray that god will bless me again.

I've been considering going back to church once I move back up here. Just once in a while to stay connected.. It's good to have some sort of sanctuary in case things get tough. : )

Date:	2008-09-13 20:41
Subject:	i just
Security:	Public
Mood:	crazy

wanna run away. steal all my vicodin, get all the prozac i can, stock up on a couple bottles and run for it. i'm 19. it's semi legal. i'll get as far as the gas in my car can get me and camp out there. maybe sell some vicodin to get money so i can get farther. maybe get enough gas to run away to santa cruz, meet up with veronica. it's a start. i'll whore myself to get money. haha. no i won't. i could never do that. not if i wanted to. i'll runaway to fucking santa cruz and start over. i won't let anyone get close to me. maybe a little. just to take the edge off the lonliness.

i'll run away for a while and wait it out. maybe two weeks, as long as I can stand it maybe a week and then give my mom a call and tell them that I'm ok, i just didn't want to be near them or anyone anymore. I had to get away. it sounds like a solid plan.. I just might do it. maybe then when i get back I won't just feel jaded. I'll actually be jaded. Noone would believe I'd do it either. It'll be a final lesson to all the people that have done me wrong. It'll be my finest and most powerful fuck you. It just might work.

I'm a pisces, and the thing about pisces is that we have two fish swimming in opposite directions for our astrological symbol. This represents the pisces' tendency to have two sides conflicting in them. I feel that lately my bad fish is swimming farther and farther away and it's taking me with it.

All I can do is boss people around now, and when they don't listen i get sensitive and offended. I hate being told what to do and now there is a side of me that just want's to bite back, even when someone hasn't done anything wrong. I'm nice, I'll always be a nice girl but I see myslef going down an ugly path. Drugs and alcohol are what i think about now so often. I used to be so shy and proper but it's like I've sloughed off that skin and turned into a self-destructive person. I just need a fucking job.

I think I'll be okay. The worst of it has passed and thanks be to the prozac gods, I'm functioning. I think I'll be okay.

Date:	2008-07-11 14:33
Subject:	aaaawkwardness
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed

I got ready as usual, trying not to mind the fact that the only reason I was getting off my ass and doing something was for the benefit of my very self-involved best friend. She expected me to pick her up from work every day in order to get me out of the house, have a ride always waiting for her, and be able to hook me in her grasp lest I escape to go drown in my misery. My best friend, whom I shall call Callie, is a very big people person. She needs to surround herself with lovers and admirerers in order to be content, and in her mind I was #1. God only knows why. She always exuded this strong, ingrained urge to be doing something, being active, especially if it involved having people to make an adoring circle around her. I write about her as if I hate her which is untrue, in fact, I love her very much. She is like a sister to me whom I bicker with continuously, but she makes me laugh and feel loved, like I actually matter to someone. She makes me feel very loved. People have even asked if we are sisters, which we happily reply, yes of course, can't you see the resemblance? This is obviously sarcastic. Our appearances look nothing alike. She is the more beautiful of us two, with exotic Columbian eyes, a carefree smile, and a wonderful personality that has won her many friends. I am more delicate in the ways that she exudes strength. I am very petite where she has an athletic build, thick looking with big shoulders and extra weight everywhere else. She isn't fat. She is muscular and almost manly but in a beautiful androgynous way, with her little apple sized boobs. She's made no secret of being envious of my bigger and fuller bust which I can't help but feel as a small victory. I have longer, lighter brown hair, light green blue eyes, fair skin that tans easily and a small frame. She has darker almost hazel eyes, short darker hair, and a bigger build than mine. I have a delicate, almost indiscernable beauty, where hers stares at you hard in the face. It's hard to miss.

As I finished getting ready in my lacy denim skirt, I checked the clock and went out the door. Just a little late but still in time to pick up the other half. I checked my breathing and made sure it was normal and balanced. Then I got in my car and drove off. As soon as I got there I got the feeling she wasn't. Call me psychic but I just felt it. Once I walked inside, I was positive. I asked one of the new waitresses if Callie was there and she said no. She had left with another waitress to get a ride home. I asked as I walked up to the bar, heart pounding, "did she by chance say that I took too long? Did she leave me a message or anything? It's only that I pick her up everyday so.." She looked startled at my odd questions, and said no she just left with the other lady, that's all. No message. I nodded and tried to shake off the weird look I was getting. I politely said thank you, never mind I guess, tried to laugh it off and left. Awkward.

The life of a social phobe is not easy, but I am blessed in certain ways I guess. *sigh*

The best thing I can do right now is put the embarressment behind me. Why do I always revert to such an embarressing state when I'm in a scary situation..? It's like I can't get ahold of myself, like I can't handle my shaking and beating heart, my flustered looking face. It's like it's all beyond me. Sometimes, I just wish I was a bitch.

My appointment was at 2:20 at the health clinic two towns over from the one I lived.

When I became sexually active with my boyfriend about a year back, we were faced with a common dilemma called a pregnancy scare. We had a great 4th of July, breakfast in bed in the morning, sex in the pool all day, and many a budlights that evening. I was so content, I snored on the way home. The next day, our horror set in when we realized the number of times we had fucked with zeeeeeeerroo protection and we watched as the clocke ticked to my menstruaql cycle. We waited and waited, and no blood. About a month passed and we were both in a frenzy for our lives, praying to the menstrual gods to forgive us for our teenaged sins and just give me my fucking period. To no avail.

We gathered our wits, contacted a friend, who simply advised us to the health clinic the next 2 towns over where she was a patient (so much more discreet than bumping into someone you knew in Atrashcadero health clinic). We made an appointment, I peed in a cup and we were forgiven for our sins. I was not preggers.

Since the incident that became known as the '4th of July Incident', we were both very overly cautious about protection, std's, sti's, anything. We wanted to have fun and we wanted to have sex but we did not want to have babies. Deciding that it was so much better to be safe than sorry, I alos made a huge step towards womanly adulthood and made an appointment for my first gynocological exam. I was so scared but so proud of myself for being such a big girl. The doctor was great and so understanding, explaining to me what each of the tools were, how she was going to use them and describing the sensation I was likley to get when it was used. As she went through her instruments, I was able to relax and enjoy the fact that I was being a very responsible young woman. When it was all done, I was happy to hear that I was indeed clean and healthy. My boyfriend was glad to hear it even tho he tried to politely hide the fact.

Fast forward to my appointment at 2:20 pm at the same clinic two towns over; 3 different partners later:

"Honey, have you noticed these little bumps here?"
"Oh, those are just bug bites."
"..On your vagina?
"..well, yea.."
"Sorry honey but I don't think so."

The sympathy and finality in her tone made the blood drain out of my face. I sat up in a panic. "Gimme a mirror." As an afterthought. "Please."
She delicatley reached over and opened a drawer. As I took the proffered hand held and peered down to inpsect, I said a silent prayer. They had to be just bug bites. They just had to be. I absolutley refused to be a dirty girl, to be a nasty nasty slut with genital stuff gone wrong, to be contaminated. I had to be normal! I had to be healthy! God I just had to be okay. What would I tell my partners, what would I tell people if they found out, how would I explain, how would I deal with this, not now, this couldn't be happening to me now. I peered closer.

Oh god.

Oh good god.

Warts.

No.

Nononononooo.

More than one.

Oh shit oh god.

My heart was beating fast.

I saw a glimpse of my face in the mirror as I handed it back. I was so pale.

"Genital warts. It's a symptom of the human papilloma virus. It's very, very common. I'm sorry honey."

Date:	2008-07-08 16:40
Subject:	refined
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

1. Beginning

Love of my Life

2. Elementary Issues
3. Junior Hell
4. Recovery?

5. Love Maybe

6. Atrashcadero

7. Lunch Spot

The life I have lived is not normal. About 95% of the population would agree with that, concerning their own lives. Everyone knows there life isn't normal by any rate. If life were that simple, to just be normal, then we would be an uninteresting, drone-like, bored to tears, 'normal' population. There would be no fun or freedom. There would be no pain to make the fun and freedom taste sweeter.. There would be no wrecking wal-mart, silly stringing cars in the theater parking lots, definitely no fantastic water sex in the pool on 4th of July.

If we were all normal, there would be no abnormality, no uniquness, no freedom, no difference.

1. The Beginning
2. Elementary Problems
3. Junior Hell
4. Recovery?

5. Love Maybe

6. Trying to Find a Lunch Spot

and having NOOO money..

I'm gonna make a committment to just buy dresses that go with my leggings and big sunglasses. That way I'm not sacrificing my style but I'm not sacrificing my unemployment check either.

go me.














O a girl can dream. :(

she makes me go gay..

So I'm exploring natural techniques to control my anxiety including breathing techniques, rational thoughts, just small things to help take the edge off before I can go back on my medication. I've come to realize that if I am able to ignore the anxiety or just gather up all the negative thoughts and throw them away then I can kinda get past it a little easier.

In a sense I am numbing my thoughts and feelings, and just tapping in to basic functions. It sounds odd but by doing this I can slightly ignore the feelings of anxiety that arise.

Date:	2008-06-21 14:22
Subject:	my life and anxiety
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

My social phobia and anxiety has taken over a huge part of my life if not all of it. I've decided that since now I am on the correct path for treatment, I should take steps to getting my life back in order. The anxiety and depression has diminished my ambitions and my determination to succeed and now that I am 19 years old, living at home, impaired by my anxiety and unemployed, I want to take back my life. I've decided to make a long term plan in order to keep on track and not fall behind and stay in this rut. I want to go somewhere in my life and I want to live, breathe do everything I wish and dream to do. My worst fear is that I won't, and I need to be strong and make sure that doesn't happen.

So on to my plan:

1) Once I get treatment (early July), I am going to reapply at Abercrombie and get a job working stock. I could easily switch from model to stock person because I have had experience in both positions.

2) I will dedicate this summer to making money, working, and mapping out what EXACTLY I want to do in college. My options need to pertain to something in Europe, a college or exchange program that will get me to where I want to be.

3) Along with narrowing down what I want to major in college and making and saving money, I need to focus on moving out of the house. This needs to be done when I am positive that I have reliable treatment, and a reliable and workable job.

It is mostly important that I narrow down my options of what I want to do in college, because I am 19 and getting up there in my time left to make a desicion. Making a desicion is hard but it's something I must do as an adult.

Date:	2008-06-19 14:18
Subject:	we do the darndest things
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	Duffy

So guess how I find out my friend is mad at me?

I read it on myspace. That's how I was informed that he was pissed off at me for only gawd knows why. Huh. What a high maturity level there people. I mean seriously.

I will admit that I have been tempted to do the same in the past, to get revenge via the internet, but what would that say about me? For one it would show how mature I am in conflict and two it would make me pretty damn petty. I consider myself (at best) above that. I am sad that I hurt him but trying to hurt me back by saying fuck you loud and clear in all capitals for the whole world to see is just silly. So, so petty.

Anyways i saw a comedy show last night which was ok, very small nothing like carlos mencia or dane cook and some such but it made me laugh. We got my good friend very drunk which is always rewarding to see because she definitely goes into the category of FUNNY DRUNK. She actually climbed over the wall in the bathroom between the stalls into mine and stole my toilet so she could pee. So I had to wriggle into her stall to go pee. I peed laughing.

This girl can drink with me a LOT of jack and be fine. 2 glasses of white wine, she was wasted. I thought all alcohol had the same general effect but guess not. She was even hung over this morning. Weird. But I got to meet the youngest comedian and was bold (drunk) enough to leave him our phone numbers. O the crazyness!

Last night was fun. I really enjoyed getting to see a real comedy show and I hope that guy calls... :)

And now I need to go deal with Mr. MyspaceHater and see whats up with him.